Sunday, June 8, 2008

Next to the big house

I'm getting super complacent back in Pennsylvania. I think my mind was healthier in Key West. I know it was. I'm parked in the driveway at my parents house. Here's what that looks like:
I've been stationed here for a majority of the time since getting back to this area. I sleep in the van in Philly or West Chester when hanging out or otherwise convenient - but this is my home base. I'm in the big house while I'm typing this on a laptop that was purchased for me out of the blue. The picture was taken with a digital camera from the same blue. I spend plenty of time in the big house. The parking spot is where I sit for really long periods of time letting my thoughts run amok. I also sleep in the van. I have a paralyzing inability to decide or even picture what to do next. This feels like a possible step in the wrong direction, but I can't express exactly why. Everything is super easy for me still, but I have a nagging feeling that I need to go do something else. Part of this is a built in resentment that I have for getting everything handed to me. I would even call it guilt. But I'm not really resisting the comforts of home (the big house). Why should I feel guilty for having a 24/7 bathroom and shower right next door? And expensive electronics that fall from the sky? I have a really crazy inability to figure out my own feelings sometimes. This, compounded with lots of drinking. Also other personal issues that I can't figure out, like girls. I'd love to just blame all this on something easy. But my brain can't fool itself when something is afoot.


Carrot said...

Maybe you'd feel better if you shared that blue wealth with other van dwellers. :)

No, seriously, I know how you feel. I bet if you just drive away a litte - like, drive for a day and then stop wherever you are - the next thing will come to you.

- Tara/HoboStripper

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Ryan said...

haha i know what you're sayin man. I'm a Canadian living in Korea for a few more months, then i'm buying a van and driving south, picking up my friend/lead singer in Ohio, and starting a rock band in New Orleans. Definitely gonna be living in that van on zero money and busking for food! I savour the fact that even my friends think i'm nuts, but you can see the lust in their eyes when you talk about it.